[{"data":1,"prerenderedAt":180},["ShallowReactive",2],{"db-company":3,"page-writing-articles-reflection-on-having-kids-en":24},{"id":4,"extension":5,"meta":6,"stem":22,"__hash__":23},"db/db/company.json","json",{"name":7,"registrationNumber":8,"businessNumber":8,"dateOfIncorporation":9,"type":8,"publicationManager":7,"registeredOffice":10,"corporateOffice":14,"emails":19,"social":20,"url":21},"Nicolas Bages","","1986",{"phone":11,"address":12},"none",{"unit":8,"street":8,"postalCode":13,"city":8,"country":8},false,{"phone":15,"address":16},"+00/00000000",{"unit":8,"street":8,"postalCode":8,"city":8,"country":8,"gps":17},{"latitude":18,"longitude":18},0,{"sales":8},{"facebook":8,"linkedin":8,"x":8,"instagram":8,"teams":8,"gmaps":8},{"website":8},"db/company","0ivZqUmrLRJhhXT1FJE9r0Yfyu61ogQvu0tIXACVB04",{"id":25,"title":26,"body":27,"description":167,"extension":168,"meta":169,"navigation":174,"path":175,"seo":176,"sitemap":177,"stem":178,"__hash__":179},"pages_en/writing/articles/reflection-on-having-kids.md","A personal reflection on the decision to have children",{"type":28,"value":29,"toc":158},"minimark",[30,34,37,40,43,48,51,54,67,70,81,84,87,90,94,97,100,104,107,110,114,117,120,123,126,129,132,135,139,142,145,148,151,155],[31,32,33],"p",{},"I always had this fundamental question about parenthood : \"Why ? Why want or not want a child ?\".",[31,35,36],{},"The verb \"to want,\" so often used in this context, has always made me wonder. I see in it a semantic and moral paradox. There is this particularly selfish dimension: an adult desires something, so they claim it for themselves. But what about the child? They didn't ask to be born into an environment where their presence more often serves the personal fulfillment of their parents rather than their own existence. Would I, too, be capable of such selfishness, to the point of considering a living being as a means to achieve my own desires? A toy?",[31,38,39],{},"The child is therefore forced to exist in order to legitimize the lives of their parents.",[31,41,42],{},"This question of \"why\" is, for me, the most important one. And it comes back every single time a parent looks at me with a funny smile and says, \"You'll see, it's the most beautiful thing in the world,\" or \"You should have a child, it changes you.\"",[44,45,47],"h2",{"id":46},"a-barrier-to-dialogue","A barrier to dialogue",[31,49,50],{},"Sharing my point of view about the \"why\" with parents is often difficult to me, if not impossible. Their justifications rarely hold up to analysis. Few people reach the necessary objectivity to question the very foundation of their procreation.",[31,52,53],{},"Too often and too quickly, the debate goes straight into preconceived arguments, far removed from the initial question:",[55,56,57,61,64],"ul",{},[58,59,60],"li",{},"A child allows us to fulfill ourselves.",[58,62,63],{},"A child teaches responsibility.",[58,65,66],{},"A child brings unconditional love.",[31,68,69],{},"Faced with these statements, which I find reductive, and sometimes insulting, I often prefer to just smile and accept that the discussion is futile, so I wouldn't create discomfort. How is it that a parent wants a child for their own benefit? I mean, seriously!",[55,71,72,75,78],{},[58,73,74],{},"\"A child allows us to fulfill ourselves.\" (In other words: we use a kid to give structure to our own life).",[58,76,77],{},"\"A child teaches responsibility.\" (In other words: we create a bond of absolute dependence to force ourselves to mature).",[58,79,80],{},"\"A child brings unconditional love.\" (In other words: we use a kid as an exclusive emotional source).",[31,82,83],{},"And then right after the birth, hormonal mechanisms and cognitive dissonance kick in to justify the sacrifices made in the name of this \"unconditional love.\" Yet, it is hard not to notice that we do not have a child for the sake of the child. I do not need parenthood to find meaning in my life, to mature, or to learn how to love. Therefore, in the absence of a need, there is no desire either.",[31,85,86],{},"I love kids. I love watching them exploring the world, I love being part of their path for a time and help them grow. I teach, I challenge, I feel their struggles and their moment of happiness. I feel the urge to protect them and keep the curiosity that that drives them. I love watching parents taking care of a family members and the feeling of belonging. But that does not answer the \"Why\".",[31,88,89],{},"I enjoy teaching or mentoring because it requires looking at kids as independent subjects and beings. It's about giving them tools, skills, and knowledge. Yet, the \"Why\" isn't about the teacher, it's about the children themselves, whom we help regardless of how they got in this world. There is a separation between \"why they are here\" and \"how do we help them\". Having them as students is validating their reality and taking the responsability of their growth without the ego of \"the creator\". I guess it's my way to be altruistic. Giving without having demanded their birth to satisfy a personal need.",[44,91,93],{"id":92},"observation-of-the-real-world","Observation of the real world",[31,95,96],{},"Let us look lucidly and frankly at what awaits a child. Economic, educational, and housing challenges, or even the quest for security and self-esteem. The toll is heavy. Is this the best way to say \"I love you\" to a child? Is this, then, the purpose of reproduction? The selfish use of a living being to fill our own voids, only to leave them precisely at the time when we, the adults, are barely beginning to understand our own lives? I see no love or support in that. Reproduction sometimes seems dictated by a manipulative biology, entirely removing any conscious responsibility.",[31,98,99],{},"And then there are the parents who explain: \"Yes, but my goal is to make them independent.\" Well, thank you for that! After being the center of their parents' attention, the child grows up and develops a critical mind toward their world and their parents. It is then time for them to fend for themselves, away from the family nest and the disfunctions they start to question, though not without first being instilled with a guilt, inducing moral debt toward their family along the way.",[44,101,103],{"id":102},"my-position","My position",[31,105,106],{},"From this perspective, I have a hard time with the cynicism of \"I want a child.\" I do not \"want\" a child. I have always said that I don't know if I will have one day or not, but it won't be because \"I want to.\" As long as, the question \"Why?\" remains centered on myself, I don't see the point. I already carry the responsibility of my own existence. Choosing not to pass my burdens onto a being who does not exist seems, to me, a much more altruistic and responsible stance than the social norm people try to impose on me.",[31,108,109],{},"It is my opinion that respecting the child means refusing to turn them into a therapeutic band-aid or an existential crutch.",[44,111,113],{"id":112},"the-reality-of-parenthood","The reality of parenthood",[31,115,116],{},"To me, the perspective of \"wanting\" a kid explains many of parents’ crash out and couples’ conflicts within the first years of a baby. Let me develop an idea.",[31,118,119],{},"In this thesis, adults who \"wants\" a kid think about themselves. There is massive accumulation of expectations and projections into the representation of having a child. As I said, some people project love, responsabilities, the feeling of growing as an adult. Maybe they chase a social perception where other parents will finally see them as a grown up because they went through the same experience. This often leads to looking down to those who don’t have children, but this is another subject.",[31,121,122],{},"If wanting a child is about oneself, this is selfish. Before birth, the child is a mental avatar used to satisfy the parent's ego. But a newborn is a biological emergency machine. This little fragile creature has absolutely no care about those who \"wanted\" them. This baby has needs and all projections from his parents must disappear instantly. There is no space of an existential timeline or a desire to look like a mature adult to one's peers. Suddenly, parents crash out because they are mourning the loss of the main character status they thought the babay would elevate, rather than eliminate. They must take care about someone else.",[31,124,125],{},"This is what we hear from young parents more often than not: “My life is about them, I gave myself to them”. That makes total sense because they have no other choice. Their brain are forced to shift from “myself” to “the baby”. They don’t grow up and learn to be more responsible. They are forced to put their self centred world aside and accept that they are not the main character anymore.",[31,127,128],{},"Parents often mistake the survival-driven suppression of their own needs for moral growth. They have to comply with reality or the baby \"dies\". This isn't a moral achievement, this is a crisis response.",[31,130,131],{},"This moment is crucial for an adult. This is a maturity gain that many parents are forced to accept. But parenthood isn’t the only way. It is a brutal truth that breaks a cognitive dissonance built since childhood in a very short time, yes. But this eyes opening and transforming moment happens to many people without parenthood.",[31,133,134],{},"So, in a sense, wanting a kid is selfish, but having a kid unlocks a lesson to those who thought about a child for themselves instead of being altruistic.",[44,136,138],{"id":137},"questioning-the-why","Questioning the “Why”",[31,140,141],{},"Now, a defender of the norm would say: \"Oh, you don't want kids? You're just afraid of the hard work. You're escaping the ultimate life lesson in selflessness\".",[31,143,144],{},"Then I have a question: If I am aware of the life lesson and altruism, is the fact that I choose to protect my own life without \"wanting\" a kid really just an excuse to escape responsibilities? Why do you need a crisis to teach you how to be human?",[31,146,147],{},"Well, I’m already an altruist. I became one through many other life experiences.",[31,149,150],{},"So, once again, \"Why\"? That question matters because hidden motives create predictable crises.",[44,152,154],{"id":153},"my-conclusion","My conclusion",[31,156,157],{},"Parenthood is often praised as the ultimate school of altruism. What I see is more a crisis driven process to teach a lesson to a stuborn ego. A period that forces some adults to stop being the main character. A lesson that can, or should, be learned without forcing another soul into existence.",{"title":8,"searchDepth":159,"depth":159,"links":160},2,[161,162,163,164,165,166],{"id":46,"depth":159,"text":47},{"id":92,"depth":159,"text":93},{"id":102,"depth":159,"text":103},{"id":112,"depth":159,"text":113},{"id":137,"depth":159,"text":138},{"id":153,"depth":159,"text":154},"When it comes to having children, I always ask myself Why. Is it really for them, or for us? An ethical reflection on the topic of having kids.","md",{"status":170,"publication_date":171,"views":172},"published","2026-05-25",[173],"wanderlust",true,"/writing/articles/reflection-on-having-kids",{"title":26,"description":167},{"loc":175},"writing/articles/reflection-on-having-kids","CNIamvbW4IJb3SCZ17r1njasGrXMcWx91RkjbZUi36E",1781436153242]